


She wasn't born to follow

by eypril



Category: Mrs. America (2020)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:13:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24899740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eypril/pseuds/eypril
Summary: Pamela Whalen escapes to New York to ask Gloria Steinem for help.
Relationships: Gloria Steinem/Alice Macray
Comments: 17
Kudos: 51





	1. PART ONE: PAMELA

**PART ONE: PAMELA**

“I’m here to see Miss Steinem,” Pamela Whalen told the woman in front of her. 

The woman was wearing a blazer with black and white dog teeth. Pamela thought the pattern almost moved on the fabric. Her head was pounding and her eyes would barely stay open. She felt like she needed to sit down.

“What’s your name?” the woman asked.

“Pamela Whalen.” 

“Ms. Steinem is not here currently,” the woman in the dog teeth blazer said looked through her calendar. “Do you have an appointment?” 

“No.”

“Okay, and why do you want to see Ms. Steinem?” she asked, while she kept flipping through the pages. 

“I’m from STOP ERA. I really need to talk to Miss Steinem, please.”

The woman looked up and stared at her in disbelief. Pamela felt nauseous. 

“Alright ... uh, I think Ms. Steinem will be back after lunch … You can take a seat out here meanwhile if you don’t mind waiting and I’ll inform her you’re here once she returns.” 

“Thank you so much.”

The woman in the dog teeth blazer opened the door to the Ms. Magazine’s office. It looked busy. Pamela could see women sitting at their desks typing articles. Women  _ working _ . She heard their nails against the typewriter keys and the ringing sound signaling the return. The woman disappeared inside the office and closed the door behind her. Pamela was left alone in the lobby-esque room outside the office.

Pamela sat down and rested her head against the wall behind her. She yawned loudly, covering her open mouth with one hand. When she closed her eyes, the nausea became less noticeable. She carefully felt with her hand over the purple bruise on her face. It hurt when she touched it. 

Pamela had left the children with her mother yesterday afternoon, and driven past Illinois’ state line the same evening. She had kept driving all night. Through Indiana, Ohio and Pennsylvania before entering New York. She had only taken short breaks to eat and go to the restroom, but in Pennsylvania she had fallen asleep and almost driven off the road. She had parked by the side of the road then, taking a few hours to sleeping in the car with the seat rolled back while the morning sun was shining through the windows. 

Pamela had never been outside her home state before. Kevin had promised her they would travel together. Go see America, Europe, the world! But Pamela got pregnant and they had to get married. They had barely left Alton during their years together. 

“Are you Pamela Whalen?” she heard someone ask.

Pamela opened her eyes. She hadn’t realized she’d almost fallen asleep. 

In front of her stood Gloria Steinem herself. The glass of her aviators were tinted blue. It made her look radiant. Her whole presence was glowing. Her shirt was long, her jeans wide at the bottom. A belt highlighted her waist. 

“I’m so sorry, miss Steinem,” Pamela said, excusing herself. “I’ve been driving all night.” 

“Patricia told me you’re here from the STOP ERA organization. Is that true?” 

“Well, not really … I just help Phyllis with the organization. It’s nothing, really. Only writing a few letters after I put the children to bed.” 

“So why are you here?” Gloria Steinem asked. 

“I really need your help, miss Steinem. I have driven from Illinois to see you. Please?” 

Gloria Steinem’s eyes looked confused behind the blue glass. She opened the door to the Ms. Magazine office and gestures to Pamela to come with her. 

“Let’s talk in my office.” 

“My friend, Alice Macray, did research on you,” Pamela admitted to Gloria when she had taken a seat in the woman’s small office. “She showed me the article  _ We have had abortions _ , in the magazine. You signed the list.” 

“Yes, I did,” Gloria Steinem said. 

“I … I need to have an abortion, miss Steinem.” 

“Is that why you’re here?”

Pamela nodded. 

“I don’t want any more children. I already have three. The pregnancies were awful. He won’t stop ... I don’t know what to do,” Pamela’s eyes were watering. “He gets violent if I don’t do what he tells me.”

Gloria’s face softened. 

“I had my abortion in 1957, in London,” she said. “It was a long time ago. I don’t know anyone performing the procedure in New York. I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I can help you.” 

“Please, miss Steinem. I can’t go back. He will never forgive me for taking off like this.” 

“Why did you come to me?”

“I told you, I read your name on the list.” 

“You don’t know of anyone in Illinois?” 

“No. I only have friends within STOP ERA. They would never help me. Please, miss. I can’t live like this anymore.”

Gloria thought for a second before she answered. 

“Alright, I will see if there is anything I can do. I might have some contacts that can help. Can you come back tomorrow?”

“Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

Gloria took a notepad and pen from the desk drawer. 

“Where are you staying?” she asked, ready to write it down. 

“In my car.” 

“In your car?” 

“Yes. I slept in it on the way here. It works.” 

“No, you’re not sleeping in your car. That’s not safe,” Gloria paused for a moment. “You can stay in my apartment tonight.” 

“No, that’s too much.”

“I have enough room. I can’t let you sleep in a car.”

*****

Pamela looked at living room in front of her. Framed news articles and oil painting were hanging on the wall. The ceiling was high. In the right corner a sleeping loft had been built. Underneath it was a cosy hangout spot with a table and chairs. The faint perfume that clung to Gloria also dominated her home. Pamela thought it smelled so good it was out of this world

Pamela felt a presence behind her and turned around. Gloria Steinem was standing in front of her, carrying sheets and blankets. 

“Are you alright sleeping on the couch?” she asked. 

Pamela nodded. The woman walked up to the group of odd sofas in front of them and laid out a white sheet on the widest one. She stretched her arms to reach the back corner. 

“Let me help,” Pamela said and folded down the sheet’s corners on the other side of the couch. She looked up at the woman on the other end. “Thank you, miss Steinem. This is really too much.”

Gloria looked at her behind the glass of her aviators. 

“If someone has driven across state lines to see you, it’s not too much,” she said. “And please, call me Gloria.” 

She smiled at Pamela. It was a genuine smile, a kind one. She sat down on the couch and patted the cushion beside her. 

“Tell me about yourself.”

Pamela sat down next to her. She kicked her shoes off and pulled her legs to her body. 

“I have lived in Alton all my life. I have three children. They’re beautiful but I can’t go through another pregnancy. I had so many dreams, but then I became pregnant and had to marry. He’s not very nice to me.”

“I was engaged once, in the 50’s,” Gloria told her. “It was what everyone else did, so I did it too. But I didn’t want to get married, so I left the states for London. I was on my way to India. But in London I realized I was pregnant.”

“So you had the abortion?”

“Yes, I knew I had to or I wouldn’t be able to live the life I wanted to live. I would have been forced to go back to the states and marry that man,” Gloria looked at Pamela’s face. “Did he do this?” 

Pamela nodded. “A few days ago. It’s not the first time but it … it has never been this bad before. Then Alice showed me the article in the magazine and I knew what I had to do.” 

“You’re really brave to come here,” Gloria said. “Leaving like that is not easy.”

“I don’t want to abandon my children, but I don’t know what else to do. I left them with my mother. She won’t let him take them.”

“It’s only been a day,” Gloria said. “It’ll be alright.” 

“I can’t go back after this,” Pamela said, 

“When I had my abortion, the doctor made me promise him something,” Gloria told her.

“What did he make you promise?” 

“That I would do what I wanted with my life,” Gloria said. “I need you to promise me the same. I’m going to do my best to help you, and in return you need to promise me to do what you want with your life.” 

Pamela looked at woman in front of her. The famous woman, who started her own magazine, who led a movement. The woman who must have such a busy schedule, yet was taking the time to help Pamela. Even though Pamela had actively worked against her. 

“I promise,” Pamela said. “Thank you.” 

The two women sat on the couch and talked for a few more hours. Pamela told Gloria about her children, about Kevin, about Phyllis’ work with STOP ERA. Gloria listened and asked questions. The sun set outside the window. Their sentences became slower, sloppier. Gloria yawned. The yawn was contagious. Pamela figured she must be running on excess energy at this point. She had almost been awake twenty four hours. 

Pamela got up and went to the restroom. She put on her blue nightgown, brushed her teeth and removed her makeup. The mascara had run. The bruise on her face was turning slightly yellow around the corners. It hurt when she touched it. 

When she was done she walked back into the living room. She sat down on the couch and looked up at Gloria, who was going through a drawer. 

“Can I trust that you will take care of the apartment if I leave you here tomorrow? I think you need to get some rest and I have to get up early.”

“Of course, you can trust me. You have been so kind to me. I will make sure everything is just like you left it.”

“Thank you, Pamela,” Gloria smiled. 

The doorbell rang. It made Pamela jump. Gloria eyed the clock on the wall. She closed the drawer and walked down the slim corridor, looking through the peephole on her front door. Pamela heard her groan before she opened the door. 

“I hear Gloria Steinem have a STOP ERA supporter living in her apartment,” a woman said. 

Pamela heard footsteps on the floor. The wood squeaked. Then a big woman with an ever bigger hat walked past Gloria and down the corridor. Her steps were rapid, leading the way into Gloria’s living room. 

“Bella-“ Gloria tried to butt in, walking behind her. 

“Are the rumors true?” Bella asked.

Gloria sighed. “You can’t just walk into my apartment like this.” 

Bella Abzug stopped when she entered the living room. She stared at Pamela, sitting on the couch in only her nightgown. 

“So it is true,” she said and turned towards Gloria. 

“This is Pamela Whalen. She needed somewhere to stay tonight,” Gloria explained. 

Pamela wrapped the blanket around herself. 

“What are you now? A home for stray housewives?” Bella Abzug said and chuckled loudly. 

Pamela pulled the blanket tighter around her body. 

“Let’s go to the kitchen,” Bella Abzug said and shooed Gloria back into the corridor. 

“Bella, I am really not in the mood for this right now. It’s almost midnight.” 

“What are you talking about? I just want to get a snack.” 

Gloria shook her head and laughed slightly. She gave Pamela a look before she and Bella Abzug walked off into the kitchen. 

“How did she end up here?” Pamela heard Bella Abzug ask. 

“She just showed up at the office,” Gloria explained.

“So you invited her into your apartment? You pretty much let that Schlafly woman bug your home, Gloria!” 

“I’m just helping her out for a couple of days.” 

“Helping her with what? This doesn’t look good, Gloria. Your assistant is running her mouth. It has already spread to the caucus. They’re wondering what the hell you’re up to. Betty is furious.”

“It’s a private. Trust me, there’s no need to worry,” Gloria said. “Honestly Bella, Betty’s opinion is the last one I care about right now.”

*****

Pamela slept all day. It was the most comfortable sleep since the night before her wedding. She was tucked down under Gloria Steinem’s blankets in Gloria Steinem’s couch, feeling soft and warm. Gloria had left the curtains covering the windows when she left in the morning, so the room was still dark. Pamela had woken up a few times and then fallen back to sleep again. The small interruptions in her sleep pattern made her remember the vivid dreams she dreamt about Gloria, asl well as the less present ones she’d dreamt Phyllis and Alice. She didn’t wake up properly until she felt a weight by her feet. 

“Pamela?” Gloria said. “You’ve been asleep for fifteen hours.”

Pamela’s eyelids were heavy when she tried to open her eyes to look at Gloria. She felt drowsy. 

“I have talked to a few contacts and I have a name. You could have an appointment as early as in two or three days,” Gloria told her. 

“That’s incredible. Thank you,” Pamela said. Her voice was thick from sleep. 

“But it’s expensive,” Gloria explained. 

“Oh,” Pamela said. She scooted up against the armrest and sat up properly. “Isn’t there a cheaper option?”

“Yes, but it’s not safe. I refuse to send anyone to a place that could end up killing them.”

“I would rather be dead than in this situation,” Pamela blurted out. “I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t go back to Alton.” 

“We can figure this out. Is there someone you could call? Someone who could wire the money?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

A tear ran down Pamela’s cheek. 

“Kevin earns the money. I have to ask him if I want to buy something.”

“I’m sorry, Pamela,” Gloria said. “We will try to figure this out. You can stay here meanwhile.”

Gloria had to get going to dinner with a friend only an hour later. She showed Pamela the kitchen before she left. 

“Take anything you’d like,” she told her. 

Pamela made herself a sandwich and sat down by the phone in Gloria’s living room. She nibbled on the bread while collecting courage to make the call. Finally, she dialed the number. 

“This is the Macray resident, Mrs. Macray speaking,” Alice said when she picked up. 

“It’s Pamela,” Pamela whispered into the phone. 

“Pamela! Where are you? We’ve been looking for you all day. Are you okay?”

“I need a favor, Alice.”

“Where are you?”

“I can only tell you if you promise not to tell anyone.”

“What is happening? Have you been kidnapped?”

“No, no of course not. Please Alice, just promise me.”

“Just tell me, Pamela.”

“I’m- I’m in New York.”

“What are you doing there?” 

“I need to do something. Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Why did you leave like that, without telling anyone where you were going? Your mother is worried sick. Kevin is really upset!”

“Stop it Alice,” Pamela begged. “Just stop.” 

“How did you even get to New York?” Alice asked. “Where are you staying?” 

Pamela took a deep breath. “I’m staying with Gloria Steinem.”

“ _ What _ ?”

“I’m sleeping on her couch.”

“What- what are you saying, Pamela? I don’t understand.”

“I can only tell you if you promise to tell no one. Not Kevin, not my mom, not Phyllis. Can you promise me that?”

“I don’t know if I can, Pamela. They’re devastated. They think you’ve been kidnapped or … or killed!”

“It’s not safe for me if anyone finds out.”

“Just tell me, Pamela. I … I will try to help you.”

“I’m going to have an abortion.” 

Alice gasped. “Are you pregnant?”

“I found out a couple weeks ago. I just can’t do this anymore. Kevin is not nice to me, Alice. And then … do you remembered the- the article you showed me? In Ms. Magazine.”

Pamela was crying now. 

“I remember,” Alice said. “The one on abortion. Steinem signed it. Is that why you’re there?”

Pamela nodded, even though Alice couldn’t see her.

“Ye-yes,” she sobbed. 

“You can’t kill your baby, Pamela.”

“I need money. I can’t afford a good doctor. Gloria won’t let me get the cheaper alternative.” 

“The libbers say women are being butchered on kitchen tables.” 

“Can I borrow the money from you? I will find a way to pay you back. I don’t know who else to ask.”

“I won’t let you kill your baby,” Alice said. 

Pamela heard the dial tone repeat itself in her ear. Alice’s voice was gone. Pamela dropped the phone on the table and attempted to dry her wet face with her hands. The bruise hurt when she accidentally pressed down on it. She had almost forgotten about it. The reminder made her cry even more violently. 


	2. PART TWO: ALICE

**PART TWO: ALICE**

Alice Macray looked at the door in front of her. She held her finger against the doorbell, too nervous to press it. She thought of Pamela Whalen. Poor Pamela who had ended up in the claws of a libber. She thought of Pamela’s poor baby, about to be murdered. 

She pressed down the door bell. 

It didn’t take long before the door opened. Gloria Steinem stood before her. She was beautiful. Her long, thick hair hit below her breasts. The highlights were noticeable but looked natural. Alice had once read that she got her hair done at a fancy salon. The feminists hated her for it. 

“Excuse me … is Pamela here?” Alice asked. 

Alice saw her own face reflect in the tinted glass of Gloria’s glasses. The flight had messed with her hair. She had taken the first flight to New York the morning after Pamela had called her. She hadn’t told anyone back home. It wasn’t because Pamela had asked her not to, it was because she knew Pamela wouldn’t be able to come back to Alton if everyone found out she had run away to New York City to have an abortion. If Alice was going to bring Pamela back to her family, no one could knew what she’d been up to. 

“Yeah, who are you?” Gloria Steinem asked. 

The hypnotizing scent of Gloria Steinem’s perfume hit Alice. It came from the woman in front of her, from the apartment. She lost complete track of what she was going to say. 

“Uh, I’m- I’m Alice Macray.” 

Pamela peaked up behind Gloria Steinem’s shoulder. 

“Pamela, you need to come with me,” Alice said. 

The determination Alice had felt last night, the determination she had felt on her way to New York … it wasn’t present anymore. Alice tried to find it again, but she seemed unable to. She couldn’t stop staring at the woman in front of her. 

“Do you know this woman?” Gloria asked Pamela. 

“We work with Mrs. Schlafly together,” Alice said. “Now let’s- let’s go, Pamela. I have to bring you back to Alton.”

“I’m not leaving,” Pamela said. “I’m not going back!” 

“Don’t do this to Kevin,” Alice tried. She had to look away from Steinem to bring herself to say it. When she looked back at the woman, her eyes were still watching Alice. Alice blushed. Gloria Steinem softened.

“Kevin is not very nice to me, Alice. I’ve told you as much.”

“Mrs. Macray,” Gloria said. “Why don’t you come inside? You and Pamela can discuss this over a cup of coffee. I have to head over to the office.” 

Pamela gripped Gloria Steinem’s arm, right above her elbow. Alice saw the fear in her eyes. 

“Please don’t leave me,” she whispered to the libber. “She will make me go back.” 

“I- I won’t,” Alice said. “Let’s just talk.” 

“I will be back soon to check on you,” Gloria promised before she left. “It’ll be okay, Pamela.” 

Alice sat down in the kitchen while Pamela made them coffee. She looked around. The kitchen cabinets were painted green. A few low maintenance plants were spread out around the room, climbing at the curtain rails. 

“She’s a real bohemian,” Alice said. 

“She’s fashionable,” Pamela objected. 

“I guess you’re right,” Alice sighed. 

Pamela poured the coffee into big cups she found in one of the cabinets before she sat down. She crossed her legs. She was walking around barefoot in the apartment, looking comfortable, like she lived there. Like she belonged there. 

Now that Alice could get a proper look at Pamela, she saw the bruise on her face. It was turning yellow, but the middle was still dark purple. She felt a sting of guilt. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Alice asked. “Why did you run off to New York to find  _ her _ instead of telling me?”

“You know why,” Pamela answered. “You don’t want me to do it. You think … you think it’s murder!” 

“Don’t you?” Alice asked and took a sip for her coffee.

Pamela shrugged. “I used to think it was. I don’t know anymore. I don’t care. I just can’t do this anymore. I will do anything to make it stop.” 

“Is it really that bad?” Alice asked carefully, letting her concern shine through for a moment. She couldn’t stop staring at Pamela’s bruised face. 

“Yes, Alice. You and Phyllis and Rosemary, you don’t understand. Your husbands are kind to you. They let you do whatever you want. They don’t force you to keep having children, they don’t get violent when you say no …” Pamela trailed off. “Phyllis always thanks her husband for letting her come to those debates and tv appearances, but does he? What would she do if she was married to Kevin? Do you think she would let him stop her?” 

Alice sat quiet, looking down at the brown liquid in her cup. She moved the tiny spoon in circles. She couldn’t imagine Phyllis ever letting anyone stop her from achieving her goals. 

“Be honest with me,” Pamela said. “Do you think she would let him stop her?”

“No,” Alice admitted. “You’re right. She wouldn’t.”

“See! It’s easy to say your husband allowed you to do something when you don’t actually ask for permission.” 

“How does this have anything to do with abortions? I can support you leaving Kevin, but this, this is something else.”

“You don’t have to understand, Alice. Just understand that I won’t come back to Alton with you.”

*****

Gloria turned on the vinyl player in the living room. She swayed to the music, moving her feet and shoulders. Alice looked at her. She was wearing a short skirt with knee high boots. They hugged her legs tightly. 

Alice looked over at the record spinning under the needle. Gloria had put down the cover on the coffee table. It was Carole King’s  _ Tapestry _ . Alice was familiar with the song. Her oldest daughter had played it last year when it was brand new. 

Alice kept her eyes on Gloria’s hips. Gloria noticed Alice observing her and chuckled softly. Alice looked away. 

“ _ Oh baby, I can’t stand it when you look at me that way _ ,” Carole King sang. 

“Thank you for staying,” Pamela told Alice. 

Gloria sat down on the floor on the other side of the coffee table. She crossed her legs and tapped her foot to the rhythm of the song. 

“You’re welcome to stay overnight if you’d like”, she told Alice. “I got enough couches.” 

“Please, Alice,” Pamela begged. “It’ll be fun. Gloria is great.” 

Alice felt like a schoolgirl, being invited to a sleepover. She looked at Gloria Steinem. 

“ _ I just lose control, down to my very soul. I get hot and cold, all over, all over _ ,” she heard Carole King’s voice sing through the speaker. 

“Fine,” Alice said. “Fine, I’ll stay.” 

Alice had to escape to the the bathroom to breath. She stayed on the toilet for a while, trying to collect her thoughts. It was a spacey bathroom with a bathtub. Alice imagined Gloria laying there, only bath bubbles covering her. 

“Stop it, Alice,” she hissed at herself under her breath. 

She got up and looked in the mirror while she washed her hands. Her reflection stared back at her. She opened the cabinet behind the mirror, looking at Gloria’s things inside. A perfume bottle was placed on the middle shelf. She took it in her hand and removed the cap. Brought the bottle to her nose. She held it there for a while, finally allowing herself be consumed by the scent, by Gloria.

When she came back to the living room, Pamela had fallen asleep. Gloria wasn’t there. Alice walked back down the corridor, to the kitchen. Gloria was hanging out the window, smoking. Alice looking at her long fingers, holding the cigarette. She turned her head when she heard Alice enter the room. 

“Do you want one?” Gloria asked, offering Alice a cigarette. 

“It’s okay,” Alice said. “I don’t smoke.” 

Carole King was still playing in the living room, and Alice could hear it faintly from where she was standing. She took a deep breath before she opened her mouth. 

“Why are you doing this?” Alice asked. 

“Doing what?” Gloria said. 

“Letting strangers stay with you. Strangers who work for your opponent.”

“I think it’s pretty clear Pamela doesn’t work for Schlafly anymore,” Gloria said. “To be completely honest with you, it feels personal. I can’t turn her down.” 

“Because … because of your abortion?” 

Saying those words reminded Alice of the person Gloria Steinem really was. She was so pretty, it was easy to forget she had murdered her own child fifteen years ago. Alice thought of Phyllis, of what Phyllis would do if she found out where they were, what Pamela was trying to do. What Alice herself was doing, going through Gloria’s things and staring at her body. 

“She reminds me of myself,” Gloria shrugged. “So I’m assuming you can’t help Pamela out financially. She told me that’s why she called you in the first place.”

“I can accept that she’s leaving Kevin, but I will not pay for the murder of her child.” 

“But will you stay here and support her, when she goes through with it?”

“I don’t understand. How will she be able to go through with this? I thought she couldn’t pay?” 

“I was able to pull some strings. That’s all I can say.” 

  
  


*****

The room was dark. Gloria’s night light lit up her sleeping loft. Alice could see the silhouette of her body laying on the mattress. She was wearing a short kimono which had accidentally exposed her underwear when she walked up the stairs to the loft half an hour ago. Alice couldn’t get the image out of her head. 

Alice got up and walked down the corridor, to the bathroom. Sat down on the cold tile floor and leaned her head against the wall. It had been many years since she last felt this way. She knew her relationship to Phyllis was a little peculiar, but it wasn’t like it had been back then, when she was young. Alice had been obsessed with her girlfriends all throughout her childhood and teenage years. She thought she had been able to close that door when she met Buck. 

Gloria had pulled her right back to it. 

The image of Gloria was overwhelming. She wanted to climb up the stairs to the loft and slip into Gloria’s bed. Feel her underneath the kimono. She never felt like that with Buck. He was her best friend, her partner. But she didn’t  _ desire _ him. 

She knew she needed to get rid of the feeling, give herself relief. It was the only thing that worked. She told herself that if she just did it, it would all go away. She touched herself hard until she came, right there on Gloria’s bathroom floor. It was quick and quiet. Then she slipped back into the living room and laid down on the couch. Gloria had turned off her night light. Alice could hear Pamela’s soft snores from the other couch.

Shame washed over her. She pulled the blanket up over her head, hiding herself underneath the thick fabrics. 

  
  


*****

“Is it true, what they say? That women are being butchered on kitchen tables?”

They were sitting on the couch where Alice had spent the past two nights. Gloria had put Pamela in a cab only half an hour ago. It was raining outside. Two wine glasses stood on the coffee table, next to a bottle that Gloria had pulled from her kitchen. Alice was the one to suggest it, to calm her nerves. 

Gloria took Alice’s hands in her own. “It’s true. But that’s not what’s happening to Pamela. This is a good doctor.” 

“I’m just so scared for her.” 

Alice felt her walls break. Tears were going to wet her face any second now. Gloria squeezed her hand. 

“I feel so lost. I was the one to tell Phyllis about ERA. I was the one to do the research and give it to her. It was all my idea. And now I’m here, and Pamela … I was the one to show her that article!” 

“It’s going to be okay.” 

Alice cried. She knew she looked ugly when she did, with grotesque grimaces and makeup smudging her face. She didn’t want Gloria to see her like that. She pulled her hands back to cover her face. 

“I’m sorry,” she said as she started to hyperventilate. 

“Just breath,” Gloria instructed. “Breath with me.”

Gloria breathed in and out, slowly. Alice tired to follow the sound of her breath. 

“Relax your shoulders,” Gloria spoke softly, putting her hands on Alice’s shoulder. “They’re so tense.”

Alice realized she had her shoulder pulled up to her ears. She let Gloria push them back gently.

“Come here,” Gloria said and pulled her closer. “Keep breathing with me.” 

Alice leaned in. She leaned all the way in, almost putting her entire weight on Gloria’s body. Her head against the woman’s chest, her ear listening to her heartbeat, her breath. Gloria ran her hand up and down Alice’s back in a comforting manner. 

“It’s upsetting,” Gloria said. “It will be okay.” 

“It’s not just that,” Alice blurted out. 

It felt so good to be this close to Gloria, clinging to her slender body. She could feel her tears leaving wet spots on Gloria’s shirt. She hoped the mascara wouldn’t stain it. 

“What else?” Gloria asked. 

Alice were quiet for a second. She felt brave now, and she thought maybe it was the alcohol kicking in. She got up from Gloria’s chest and looked at her, their faces so close they were almost touching. Alice could feel Gloria’s breath on her skin. Her scent was overwhelming. Her eyes didn’t flicker. 

Alice leaned in to close the small gap between them. 

When her soft lips met Gloria’s she forgot all about Pamela and the abortion. All about Phyllis and Buck. It was a slow kiss. Gloria wrapped her hand behind Alice’s neck, holding her, making her feel steady. Gently, their tongues met. In a way, the whole act felt very innocent.

Alice knew it wasn’t. 

Alice leaned back, panting. Her heart was racing. The polyester dress felt hot and sticky against her skin. Gloria ran her fingers through Alice’s hair. 

“Tell me,” she whispered.

“I think … I think it has always been like this.” 

Gloria nodded. She leaned in once more, kissing Alice. She guided her to lay down on her back. Alice looked up into Gloria’s brown eyes. Carefully, she placed a hand on Gloria’s collarbone, right above her chest. She moved her hand further down, gasping when she felt Gloria’s nipple poke through her shirt. The fabric was still slightly wet from Alice’s tears. 

Gloria’s glasses slid down the bridge of her nose and dangled off her ears. They hit Alice in the face. Alice couldn’t help herself but giggle. Gloria smiled. 

“Sorry,” she said softly and put the glasses down on the coffee table. “Tell me if you want me to stop, okay?” 

Alice nodded. She felt Gloria’s hands run across her clothed body. Her breasts, her hips, the inside of her thighs. The skirt of her dress had collected around her waist and she felt exposed underneath Gloria. Her nylon tights were thin. When Gloria’s fingers ran over them, it felt as if she was touching her bare skin. 

Alice didn’t really know how these things usually went. She had never been with anyone else besides Buck. When they were intimate, it was never really about her. Gloria was completely focused on her. Alice thought she should tell her to stop before it went too far, before they crossed the line where Alice couldn’t tell herself this was just some innocent fun between two girlfriends. When Gloria gently pulled Alice’s leg up, resting her calf on the backrest in a ninety degree position, she realized that line had already been crossed. 

Alice couldn’t help herself but to move with Gloria. Their clothes stayed on, but Gloria’s hands disappeared underneath the fabrics. 

“Is this okay?” Gloria whispered in her ear. Her warm breath tickled Alice’s skin. 

Alice nodded desperately. “Please, keep going,” she breathed. 

*****

Alice looked out the window of the New York apartment. It was still raining. She could see Pamela getting out of the car, and Gloria taking her into her arms the second she put her feet on the pavement. She led Pamela inside the building, attempting to protect her from the rain by holding a coat above her head. 

Alice didn’t really know what was worse. The crime Pamela had committed today, or the sin she herself had instigated and participated in. She poured herself the last wine from the bottle. She looked at the dark liquid in her glas, then back at the bottle next to it. Picked it up and tried to find the label. Seven percent. They had shared one seven percent bottle. That wasn’t enough alcohol to excuse even the smallest mistake. 

When Alice heard the door opened she poured the wine down her throat. She walked down the corridor to meet the two women in the hallway. She didn’t want to give Pamela the impression that she respected her decision, but when she saw the girl she couldn’t help herself but to hug her. Pamela’s hair was dripping with rain. It stained Alice’s blouse. The feeling of her hand on Gloria’s tear stained shirt, her hand on Gloria’s breast, came rushing back to her. Gloria touching her where she needed it the most. Gloria’s fingers rubbing circles, Gloria’s fingers deep inside her. Alice had to force herself to come back from the memories. 

“Are you okay?” Alice asked Pamela.

She nodded. “It was scary, but I feel so relieved. They said everything went fine. I will bleed for a while, then it’ll be over.” She let go of Alice and turned to Gloria. “Thank you, I know you worked so hard to help me, when you really had no obligation to. I’m so grateful. I promise you I will do what I want with my life.” 

“You’re a very brave woman, Pamela,” Gloria said. “I’m so proud of you.” 

Gloria let Pamela sleep in her the loft that night. 

“She needs a real bed most out of all of us,” she said. 

Gloria opened the window in the kitchen and leaned into the night air to light a cigarette. Alice poured herself some coffee. 

“Are you okay?” Gloria asked. “I’m sorry about tonight, I shouldn’t have …” 

“I don’t know, Gloria,” she said, putting down her coffee. “I have a husband. I have children. I don’t know what to do.” 

“Come here, you need some fresh air,” Gloria said and put out her barely smoked cigarette. 

Alice walked over, standing next to Gloria. She rested her arms on the window sill. Gloria wrapped her arms around Alice’s shoulders and rested her face in the crook of her neck. 

“I’m sorry, Alice. We shouldn’t have done anything.” 

“But I … I loved it.” 

“I know.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the Alice x Gloria content! 
> 
> The next, and final, chapter is a 500 word epilogue.


	3. EPILOGUE: GLORIA

**EPILOGUE: GLORIA**

“I hear you’re housing the STOP ERA staff,” Brenda Feigen Fasteau said.

They had met up over a drink. Brenda was holding a Martini, resting her elbow on the bar desk. Gloria Steinem was sipping an orange Tequila Sunrise. She bit down on the straw between her teeth. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. They’re women just like us,” Gloria said and fixed the highlighted hair behind the temples of her glasses. 

“Baking pies to stop equal rights,” Brenda said and put the alcohol soaked olive in her mouth. She crushed it between her teeth. 

“People change. I ...” she started. “Well, I probably shouldn’t tell you.”

Brenda’s eyes lit up in curiosity. “Tell me what? You tell me right now, Gloria!”

Gloria looked at the people around them. The bar was crowded. She leaned closer to her friend, careful not to tilt the tall bar stool she was sitting on.

“I had a intimate moment with one of them a few days ago,” she whispered. 

“With one of Schlafly’s housewives?”

“If you want to put it that way,” Gloria shrugged. 

“What kind of intimate moment?”

“We had sex.”

Brenda stared at Gloria with big eyes. 

“ _ Sex _ ?” she said, emphasizing the word. 

“It was obvious she had an … infatuation with me,” Gloria said, waving her hand. 

“A lesbian housewife?”

“You know that’s no uncommon.” 

“I didn’t know you were attracted to women,” Brenda raised an eyebrow. 

“ Of course I am, it just doesn’t happen very often. You know, I did go to an all women’s college,” Gloria said and laughed. 

”What about Frank?” Brenda asked.

“What about Frank?” Gloria shot back. 

“He wants to marry you!” 

“You know I’m never going to get married, Brenda.”

“So where is she now? The housewife?”

“She’s back in Alton. She got her kids and her husband there. But Pamela, the woman who came to me asking for help, she’s still living with me. I’m helping her back on her feet. She needs a job and an apartment of her own, to be able to fight for custody. He’s not a very nice man, her husband.”

“Why did you let them stay with you? I just don’t get it.” 

“Women need to come together, fight together. Phyllis Schlafly is not the real enemy.” 

“Will you see her again, the housewife?”

“She tells Pamela she’s coming back soon.” 

Gloria thought of Alice Macray’s beautiful face. Her full upper lip. It had felt nice between her own. She had felt nice under her fingers. Gloria smiled. 

“You’re crazy, Gloria,” Brenda said and laughed. “Bella will kill you.” 

“Don’t you dare telling Bella!”

Brenda laughed and had another sip of her Martini.

“Don’t worry, your lesbian adventures are safe with me,” Brenda said and placed a hand on her heart. 

On the way back to her apartment, Gloria passed a bakery with late open hours. She bought a loaf of freshly baked bread to bring back home to Pamela. 

It was a cold New York night, even though summer was just around the corner. The glowing shop signs lit up the streets. Yellow taxi cars drove by. One of them honked loudly at another car. 

Gloria hugged the warm loaf to her chest and thought of Alice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this story. My Gloria Steinem obsession is stubborn and it's been wonderful to spend days thinking about her while planning this story. I hope you have enjoyed it even half as much as I have enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a two part story with a short epilogue. The idea came to me while reading an article about Gloria Steinem housing a young woman, Shelby Knox, so that she would be able to work as a feminist organizer and public speaker without having to worry about paying her bills. If you want to read more about it, you can find the article here: nytimes.com/2012/03/18/fashion/my-roommate-gloria-steinem.html
> 
> Note that abortion was legalized in New York in 1970, but I decided to ignore that for the sake of the story. 
> 
> I made a playlist with songs that inspired me while writing. You can listen to it here: open.spotify.com/playlist/0dceocTNItefcLnHxjjwgj?si=gyTSQk53SseScHX40LyjvA or search for "she wasn't born to follow". 
> 
> If you'd like, you can send me Mrs. America prompts through my Tumblr (eypril-eypril.tumblr.com), and I might write it if I feel inspired.


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